An Honest Wg-Gesucht Ad from a Desperate Wg-Seeker’s Perspective

Title

All the positive adjectives that can describe a home, like beautiful, bright, peaceful, decorated, feels like that little home where you spent your childhood with your parents. Like seriously, this is the best place to live in Munich!

Room size

Some digit with m2 , you have no idea how large or small is that. But seriously, as long as it fits a bed, you are sold!

Rent

Some outrageous amount, you barely earn that much! Oh, that’s also cold, as cold as your ex’s heart. Warm includes utility, miscellaneous costs. There might be other costs which is not included here! And looking at the amount of deposit, you are considering selling one of your kidneys already. I mean you don’t need two kidneys any ways.

 

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Flatshare details

Room size, how many people live here,

total size of the apartment,

how many females, how many males,

range of age,

smoking allowed or not allowed,

students or workers

Seriously. YOU.COULD.NOT.CARE.LESS. As long as the flat mates are not cannibals/aliens from Area 51/most wanted criminals/serial killers, you are good with it.

Speaking these languages

You only recognize the flag of Germany and the United Kingdom. Mentioning English gives you hope (if dein Deutsch ist nicht so gut), but only seeing the German flag means no chances of getting it with your schlecht Deutsch. Also, there might be a hidden message here: you better be German. Sometimes, people feel shy to specifically mention it.

Searching for

Any gender, or some specific gender with a range of age. you do fit into it, but you wished there were more specifications mentioned as you know they will choose someone who seems more familiar in terms of their culture, race, age, and in some cases gender.

Further details

You don’t bother as long as You can see the Wireless Internet Access icon.

Room

These are information written in paragraphs, information that are already mentioned above. You normally skip them to hit the “send message” button, because it’s a freaking rat race! You don’t want to be late by reading all these details.

Location

After hitting the “send message” button, a quick look at the google map to see how much exactly you will have to walk to reach the closest u-bahn/s-bahn/tram/bus station. Also, to see how far this place is from your work and how is the connection between this place and your work. You don’t really care how many supermarkets, bakeries, cafes, bars, apothekes there are around the house.

Flatshare type

Introduction to your potential future flat mates. Sounds super nice and fun, with cool hobbies. Damn! You should have sounded cooler in your generic message! Grabbing a wine at the end of the day? Sounds amazing! Cooking or grilling together in the weekend? Best life ever! Cleanliness? Sorted! You have already started to dream of the best wg-life with this people! But hold on, they get to choose, not you! Come back to reality!

Miscellaneous

Oh great, more costs added. Some expensive home appliance they just bought that you didn’t really need in your life. Some superficial maintenance cost? Okay. Oh, there is also an existing equipment fee which they forgot to mention above. You don’t really need a 40 inch flatscreen TV, but do you have any other option? NO!

If you are interested (as if you have any other choice), please send an e-mail with information about you, what you like to do in free time, what you study, a motivation letter mentioning how you see yourself in 5 year living in this wg, how this wg will change you as a person, what values you can bring in here,  if possible a CV, Schufa certificate (no idea what that is), salary statement, maybe some reference letter from your previous flatmate, recommendation letter from your previous landlord. Please also attach a photo of you so that you can be judged by your looks and your skin color. Please give as much details as possible, but also don’t write a 1000 word essay, they probably won’t read it anyway. Chances are high that you won’t even get any reply, let alone an appointment, but you have to show some effort if you are really desperate.

You think you didn’t get the house because of your language skill, country of origin, religion, race, or gender? Of course not, you stupid! It’s just the “gut-feeling” (not the German gut). Good luck with your search, keep sending messages and keep praying to whatever you believe in so that you find a shelter in this dream city where everyone is sleep-walking.

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28 July 2019

Munich, Germany

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